Worse and Worse

Well, it's only been three days since my last post, but it feels like forever. This house literally feels like how they describe solitary confinement in "Let's Go to Prison." You can't tell the difference between five minutes and forever, your eyes play tricks on you, and you go insane. I really can not take living here anymore. It has gotten to the point where I was asking my family if I could put a tent in their back yard and sleep there, just so we wouldn't have to be here anymore. My grandmother convinced me to go up to my aunt's house and ask her if we could move in, (since she has offered before - and not too long ago at that,) and she gave us an almost rude "no." We're at our wit's ends here, and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. *sigh* It looks like we're just going to have to bite the bullet and continue living here. I'm crying right now just typing that, because the thought of staying in this house - even for one more night - is making me want to TDO myself. (Which, if you don't know what that means, is when you lock yourself up in the psych ward to keep from committing suicide.)

I've been trying to keep myself busy with my craft projects....but I don't have enough fabric and things to finish them, so they're all at a half-point right now where I can't really go any further. So, for the past few days we've pretty much just been sitting here staring at a wall. *shrugs*

I really hope that I can find a job soon. I've been putting in applications everywhere that I've seen them, and I'm honestly baffled that I haven't gotten ANY responses yet, not even "no"s. *sigh* It's getting really old and disheartening. I know that the economy has to do with it to some extent, but what about the places that ARE hiring? Oh well, there's not a whole lot I can do about it, right?

The only thing that's really getting me through is having Mike....if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have bothered TDO-ing myself the first time. He's been my little cheerleader, which has been so fantastic, but at the same time makes me feel bad. Who's his cheerleader? HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE!! His mom has chosen that fat, disgusting FUCK over her own son, his sister barely talks to him....so the only person left would be me....and I'm too broken right now to do anything but make it worse. He needs a cheerleader too, I'm not the only one in this predicament.

Well, enough depressing rambling - I'm going to go listen to "Beautiful Day" by Kerli and try to imagine that it really IS a beautiful day. :/

<33 Zee